Confessions

I'm going to be honest with you. My spiritual health has been severely lacking over the past couple years. I could make an unending list of excuses for reasons why that is, but I won't waste your time. The point is that I've been doing a crappy job of maintaining a relationship with God, and I am sick of it. Things have been bad for so long that I can't even really remember when I last felt filled with God's love or peace. At most, I would feel apathy and at worst, bitterness. And maybe those two should be switched around.

Anyway, I guess I'm writing this as a type of confession. It's so easy to hide spiritual issues, especially when you are surrounded by Christians at home, church, and work (but not work for much longer). It's also hard to talk about it when you can't really identify the main issue. It's not just a simple "I'm struggling with ___. Can you pray for me?" Honestly, I don't know the root of my issue. I don't think I am mad at God, struggling with some big secret sin, or doubting His existence. Maybe I'm just feeling stagnant?

One of my main motivations for wanting to change is the start of friendships with my new co-workers. After a two year gap, I am finally interacting again with people who weren't necessarily raised in the church. It is refreshing! It also brings new challenges of how to "come out" about my faith with them. Does that sound ridiculous? I know it shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! I am very out of practice. And unlike in high school, I now have a solid fear of pushing people away by telling them what I believe. You can go ahead and judge me for that, but I feel pretty strongly that it's a sensitive subject and I want to approach it the right way. I've learned that many people have had some terrible experiences in the church, and they automatically associate Christians with those experiences. I don't want to be another person who pushes them away from God.

I have talked with a couple co-workers about my faith in a general way, mentioning my church and that my husband went to school to be a pastor (thanks for that "in", Toby :] ), but I know more is to follow. Does anyone have examples of GOOD experiences talking about faith with co-workers? How do you avoid awkwardness? I do not want any Bibles ending up shoved down throats.

Maybe I just need to start with getting my own beliefs sorted out. I'm working on it.

Thanks for listening! I will keep you updated as things progress. Have an excellent week.

H

Unexpected

Happy Spring! To celebrate, I'm sharing this photo I took the other night. You will soon find out that I am OBSESSED with sunsets. I take pictures of them every chance I get...and in the summer, that is quite often. :)

So, depending on how well you know me, you might have observed that I am currently on a Facebook fast. I am somewhat addicted to Facebook, and our new church (which we both LOVE - answer to prayer) is doing a 40-day fast to focus on prayer. I know it's a little shallow and immature to just fast from Facebook, but it honestly consumes a ton of my free time. There are many benefits to having an iPhone, and constant connection to the internet is one of them. Unfortunately for me, that means I am checking Facebook at all hours of the day, basically whenever I get distracted or bored by whatever else I am doing. I'm pretty sure that is unhealthy behavior and also puts me in the same category as 7th grade girls...hence the fast.

The thing is, fasting from Facebook has turned out to be extremely easy. Maybe I wasn't as addicted to it as I thought. However, I haven't really figured out how to do the whole "focus on prayer" part. I feel really out of practice. 

I don't know if this stems from some anger at God from losing my nephew last fall (let's face it, I DO know), but I'm finding it really difficult to pray. It's almost like I'm afraid to ask for anything, even wisdom or guidance, because I don't know how much He cares. I do believe that He hears me, but I'm really unsure how much He directly intervenes. Honestly, I struggle with this issue probably once a year. There is just so much hurt in the world! The fact that God sees it all and doesn't stop it kind of makes me sick, but I also accept that there is a lot about God that I don't understand. I still believe that Jesus loves and saves me, and that basic faith is about all I can handle right now. 

Whew, I did not intend to get that deep in this blog. I guess that's why blogging is such a good outlet - once I start writing, I often uncover thoughts I didn't even realize I had. Thanks for listening.

I love you all.
H

Here are a couple videos from a Josh Garrels concert I went to last week. He's amazing. Go check him out.

I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are.

Since blogging takes energy and I don't seem to have any right now, I will instead share this video by one of my very favorite artists: JJ Heller. This woman knows how to write about real life. Grief, pain, joy, love, guilt, anxiety - she pretty much covers it all. Whenever I am struggling and can't find the words to express my feelings, I can always find a JJ Heller song that says it perfectly. Her vulnerability and transparency is inspiring. What I wouldn't give to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her...

On a side note, please don't conclude from me posting this video that I am depressed right now. I'm actually doing pretty well. I just stumbled upon this video today, remembered how much I LOVE this song, and decided it needed to be shared. Maybe it will speak to one of you!

Love,
H

Faint Not

I’m scared to write this down, because I don’t have it all worked out yet. I apologize in advance if this is hard to follow or seems scattered. My hope is that writing a blog will provide an outlet for all of my jumbled thoughts and help me figure out what’s going on in my head.

Let me try to start from the beginning…

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. I think I can contribute some of that to Seasonal Affective Disorder combined with Minnesota winter, as it is definitely that time of year again. However, the thoughts I’m having aren’t very consistent with past winters, and I am fairly convinced there is more going on than SAD-ness (oh, puns!).

As I mentioned before, work is very slow right now (but apparently not for anyone else in the office), and I don’t have a lot of extra-curricular activities going on – although I did start tutoring at the library one night a week. We are still looking for a new church, and we don’t have a lot of consistent Christian community. Oh, and I haven’t heard about grad school yet either. I say all of this just to make some excuses and offer possible causes for the feelings I will now reveal.

I feel like my life is purposeless. I feel like I am wasting these precious, carefree years of my mid 20’s planning for my future and acting too much like an adult. What is the rush? I don’t own a house, don’t have kids, and have very few responsibilities. Here’s what I’m thinking: I want to move to another country. Preferably in South or Central America. I want to take a break from offices, TV, happy hour, driving, makeup, winter, gossip, senseless worrying, shopping, Facebook, 401K, Netflix…

Some of you may be thinking, “Heather, didn’t you say this same thing 4 years ago?” Yes, I did. But at that time, I was looking for something else. I really just wanted experience living in South America so I could learn Spanish fluently. And sure, that would definitely be a bonus, but now I feel the need for so much more. This may sound cliché, but I want to serve God and his people wholeheartedly, and I think that means giving up some of the comforts I have now and living alongside people in need. I realize it’s possible to do that without even leaving my city, and that’s always a possibility, but I also feel like getting away from the familiar may be a necessary part of serving.

I also realize there is a whole other person in my life that needs to be on board before we pack up and move to Chile (Costa Rica? Mexico? Paraguay?), and there are jobs, school, finances, relationships, and many other factors that would need to be considered. For now, I think I could be content to plan a short-term trip, and that planning is already in the works. But, if I’m not going to move to South America, then what AM I going to do to satisfy this discontent?

H

PS: I LOVE the lyrics to this song by Jenny & Tyler.

Being Homeless

Okay, so we're not literally homeless, and no, this is not a post about homeless people (but it did catch your attention, right?). What I'm talking about is being spiritually homeless, or rather, churchless.

Since moving to Minnesota, I have attended/visited 9 different churches. Two of those we attended for at least a year each, and the rest range from 1 week to 3 months. And right now, we have still not officially decided to commit to a certain church. We really have legitimate explanations for leaving the churches - especially the two that we attended longterm - but, now I just can't help but feel homeless. 

I know that we need to just choose one and understand that no church is going to be perfect, but for some reason we are having a really hard time deciding. There seem to be major flaws with every place we visit. I guess it doesn't help that we would really like a church in our community, and our home happens to be in a Protestant desert. Apparently, all of the evangelicals decided to focus on every other area of the city except our own. :(

I've joked about starting a home church, but my husband doesn't seem too keen on that idea. I suppose it might be a tad difficult with everyone we know living on the other side of town (20 miles at the minimum), but wouldn't that solve our problem of not being content? When you make all the decisions yourself, you can't blame other people for your problems, right? Oh well, maybe in another decade...

We're visiting a new church tonight, and I am fairly optimistic about it. Toby attended this church during seminary and stopped attending because of the distance, but now we are close by again. Maybe it is "the one." Or maybe we are too picky (make that definitely). But how do you lower your expectations, and how do you prioritize church qualities? Aside from statement of faith, are all qualities the same in God's eyes? Didn't He write a book about that? Oh, yeah, that's right. But the Book tells me to cover my head in church...is there anything translated to the 21st century? Am I offending some people? Are you sick of my questions?

Okay, I'm done. That's enough food for thought today. Speaking of food...I'm going to eat lunch. As always, I leave you with a song.

H

Advent Conspiracy

In the past few years, one thing I have come to look forward to at Christmastime is Advent Conspiracy. For those of you who are not familiar with this, it is a movement to encourage people to take the money they would spend on Christmas gifts and instead donate it to people in need. I love Advent Conspiracy, not only because I completely agree with the idea, but also because their promotional videos are excellent. They are inspiring and convicting, and just a great reminder of the real meaning of Christmas. Check it out for yourself!

Here are some organizations I would suggest for Advent Conspiracy if you're interested:

International Justice Mission

Bright Hope

Wycliffe Bible Translators

To find your local rescue mission, click here: AGRM.