I’m scared to write this down, because I don’t have it all worked out yet. I apologize in advance if this is hard to follow or seems scattered. My hope is that writing a blog will provide an outlet for all of my jumbled thoughts and help me figure out what’s going on in my head.
Let me try to start from the beginning…
For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. I think I can contribute some of that to Seasonal Affective Disorder combined with Minnesota winter, as it is definitely that time of year again. However, the thoughts I’m having aren’t very consistent with past winters, and I am fairly convinced there is more going on than SAD-ness (oh, puns!).
As I mentioned before, work is very slow right now (but apparently not for anyone else in the office), and I don’t have a lot of extra-curricular activities going on – although I did start tutoring at the library one night a week. We are still looking for a new church, and we don’t have a lot of consistent Christian community. Oh, and I haven’t heard about grad school yet either. I say all of this just to make some excuses and offer possible causes for the feelings I will now reveal.
I feel like my life is purposeless. I feel like I am wasting these precious, carefree years of my mid 20’s planning for my future and acting too much like an adult. What is the rush? I don’t own a house, don’t have kids, and have very few responsibilities. Here’s what I’m thinking: I want to move to another country. Preferably in South or Central America. I want to take a break from offices, TV, happy hour, driving, makeup, winter, gossip, senseless worrying, shopping, Facebook, 401K, Netflix…
Some of you may be thinking, “Heather, didn’t you say this same thing 4 years ago?” Yes, I did. But at that time, I was looking for something else. I really just wanted experience living in South America so I could learn Spanish fluently. And sure, that would definitely be a bonus, but now I feel the need for so much more. This may sound cliché, but I want to serve God and his people wholeheartedly, and I think that means giving up some of the comforts I have now and living alongside people in need. I realize it’s possible to do that without even leaving my city, and that’s always a possibility, but I also feel like getting away from the familiar may be a necessary part of serving.
I also realize there is a whole other person in my life that needs to be on board before we pack up and move to Chile (Costa Rica? Mexico? Paraguay?), and there are jobs, school, finances, relationships, and many other factors that would need to be considered. For now, I think I could be content to plan a short-term trip, and that planning is already in the works. But, if I’m not going to move to South America, then what AM I going to do to satisfy this discontent?
H
PS: I LOVE the lyrics to this song by Jenny & Tyler.
I feel your stagnation. I understand exactly how you feel. You can't quite explain what's going on but you do know that what you're doing just isn't it. I get it, a lot of people don't. Many people can just accept a slow, unfulfilled life. It seems that you, like myself, can't sit still and accept it. I say go with your heart and do what it desires.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that.
SAD + desire to pick up and move/change life is a hard combo. I'm glad you're coming up with a trip and starting talking. life partnership complicates (and occasionally enriches) all this. Been there.
ReplyDeleteHere's a few in the meantime state-side ideas from me...
1. Find a non-white church to go to for awhile. A spanish speaking church? A black church? We can journey a few miles and end up in another culture as a minority (Granted, this isn't 24/7...)
2. Find a local cause to get involved in (not just politically) - attend meetings instead of the other things filling your time. Travel to a conference. Test out going to a rally or something uncomfortable. Get feisty. Let it connect to your heart.
3. Get a dog :-)