Faint Not

I’m scared to write this down, because I don’t have it all worked out yet. I apologize in advance if this is hard to follow or seems scattered. My hope is that writing a blog will provide an outlet for all of my jumbled thoughts and help me figure out what’s going on in my head.

Let me try to start from the beginning…

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. I think I can contribute some of that to Seasonal Affective Disorder combined with Minnesota winter, as it is definitely that time of year again. However, the thoughts I’m having aren’t very consistent with past winters, and I am fairly convinced there is more going on than SAD-ness (oh, puns!).

As I mentioned before, work is very slow right now (but apparently not for anyone else in the office), and I don’t have a lot of extra-curricular activities going on – although I did start tutoring at the library one night a week. We are still looking for a new church, and we don’t have a lot of consistent Christian community. Oh, and I haven’t heard about grad school yet either. I say all of this just to make some excuses and offer possible causes for the feelings I will now reveal.

I feel like my life is purposeless. I feel like I am wasting these precious, carefree years of my mid 20’s planning for my future and acting too much like an adult. What is the rush? I don’t own a house, don’t have kids, and have very few responsibilities. Here’s what I’m thinking: I want to move to another country. Preferably in South or Central America. I want to take a break from offices, TV, happy hour, driving, makeup, winter, gossip, senseless worrying, shopping, Facebook, 401K, Netflix…

Some of you may be thinking, “Heather, didn’t you say this same thing 4 years ago?” Yes, I did. But at that time, I was looking for something else. I really just wanted experience living in South America so I could learn Spanish fluently. And sure, that would definitely be a bonus, but now I feel the need for so much more. This may sound cliché, but I want to serve God and his people wholeheartedly, and I think that means giving up some of the comforts I have now and living alongside people in need. I realize it’s possible to do that without even leaving my city, and that’s always a possibility, but I also feel like getting away from the familiar may be a necessary part of serving.

I also realize there is a whole other person in my life that needs to be on board before we pack up and move to Chile (Costa Rica? Mexico? Paraguay?), and there are jobs, school, finances, relationships, and many other factors that would need to be considered. For now, I think I could be content to plan a short-term trip, and that planning is already in the works. But, if I’m not going to move to South America, then what AM I going to do to satisfy this discontent?

H

PS: I LOVE the lyrics to this song by Jenny & Tyler.

New Music Friday

I just found a new band (founded in 2009, so I guess they're not technically "new") and felt like sharing this video with you. I don't really have much else to say, except HAPPY FRIDAY!

The band is The Head and the Heart and the song is "Lost In My Mind."

The Checklist

Question: What do you do when you've completed everything on your long-term "to do" checklist? 

My "To Do" List:

1. Take a graduate course. CHECK

2. Study for the GRE. CHECK

3. Take the GRE. CHECK

4. Get good enough scores on the GRE. CHECK

5. Get two letters of recommendation. CHECK

6. Complete and submit application to graduate school. CHECK

7. Wait. CHECK

8. Wait some more... CHECK?

Well, I'll tell you what I have been doing: seeing friends, hanging with the hubs, reading, laundry, and watching a lot of TV. Oh, yeah, and now I've moved on to obsessive cleaning. It all sounds pretty normal (maybe not the cleaning), except for some reason, it doesn't feel normal. It feels like I'm missing something. Like now that my class is over, Christmas break came and went, and I'm done getting everything in order for school, I don't have a purpose. Sure, I still work 40 hours a week, but work has been slow lately, and I don't have a lot that is challenging my mind. I got in a really good rhythm of balancing work and my class, while still having plenty of time for fun -- and I miss that!

It's so weird, because up until a few months ago, this WAS my rhythm. Work was my main responsibility, and it felt sufficient. I'm guessing that living ten minutes from work and having an extra 1.25 hours in my day has something to do with this feeling, but there must be more to it. Why do I feel so antsy? Any ideas of how I can NOT feel guilty for having nothing to do at night?

That's all for now. And hey, I blogged, so that's something fairly productive I did today (...or is it?). :-]

H

Lawdy: The Vespers

As previously mentioned, I've gotten into the band The Vespers lately. They released this video a few months ago, and I wasn't sure at first how I felt about it. Now, after listening a few times, I've decided I really like the song and it is worth sharing.

Enjoy.

Being Homeless

Okay, so we're not literally homeless, and no, this is not a post about homeless people (but it did catch your attention, right?). What I'm talking about is being spiritually homeless, or rather, churchless.

Since moving to Minnesota, I have attended/visited 9 different churches. Two of those we attended for at least a year each, and the rest range from 1 week to 3 months. And right now, we have still not officially decided to commit to a certain church. We really have legitimate explanations for leaving the churches - especially the two that we attended longterm - but, now I just can't help but feel homeless. 

I know that we need to just choose one and understand that no church is going to be perfect, but for some reason we are having a really hard time deciding. There seem to be major flaws with every place we visit. I guess it doesn't help that we would really like a church in our community, and our home happens to be in a Protestant desert. Apparently, all of the evangelicals decided to focus on every other area of the city except our own. :(

I've joked about starting a home church, but my husband doesn't seem too keen on that idea. I suppose it might be a tad difficult with everyone we know living on the other side of town (20 miles at the minimum), but wouldn't that solve our problem of not being content? When you make all the decisions yourself, you can't blame other people for your problems, right? Oh well, maybe in another decade...

We're visiting a new church tonight, and I am fairly optimistic about it. Toby attended this church during seminary and stopped attending because of the distance, but now we are close by again. Maybe it is "the one." Or maybe we are too picky (make that definitely). But how do you lower your expectations, and how do you prioritize church qualities? Aside from statement of faith, are all qualities the same in God's eyes? Didn't He write a book about that? Oh, yeah, that's right. But the Book tells me to cover my head in church...is there anything translated to the 21st century? Am I offending some people? Are you sick of my questions?

Okay, I'm done. That's enough food for thought today. Speaking of food...I'm going to eat lunch. As always, I leave you with a song.

H

Advent Conspiracy

In the past few years, one thing I have come to look forward to at Christmastime is Advent Conspiracy. For those of you who are not familiar with this, it is a movement to encourage people to take the money they would spend on Christmas gifts and instead donate it to people in need. I love Advent Conspiracy, not only because I completely agree with the idea, but also because their promotional videos are excellent. They are inspiring and convicting, and just a great reminder of the real meaning of Christmas. Check it out for yourself!

Here are some organizations I would suggest for Advent Conspiracy if you're interested:

International Justice Mission

Bright Hope

Wycliffe Bible Translators

To find your local rescue mission, click here: AGRM.

'Tis The Season (To Be Mourning)

I know, it’s not exactly the cheeriest of Christmas sayings, and that is because this is not a cheery post. This fall has not been a happy time for me, and now that we’re heading into the Christmas season, I’ve realized it’s going to be difficult to automatically flip some switch to make it all better.

For those of you who don’t know, last month my sister lost her first child, a precious baby boy, seven months in to her pregnancy.

Tragedy. That’s the only word I know that can describe it. I don’t think I’ve ever before experienced something that felt so cruel and unfair. I don’t think I’ve ever asked so many questions and been so utterly confused about why God would allow something to happen. My logical mind is blown, and all I can do is cry.

What’s even harder is that I live 12 hours away from my sister, so I can’t even be there in person to mourn with her. It’s like my husband and I are a little island far away from the rest of my family, and all we can do is wave from a distance while everyone else is together. One good thing about the holidays is that we already had plans to go visit, so we did (and will) get to spend a little time together.

But I ask you: how are we supposed to celebrate when there is so much sadness? How do I even go about my day when my heart is so heavy? I know my family is not the only one to ever experience this, but really, it’s hard to find comfort in the fact that it’s happened before.

So as we move into this holiday season, I guess I am just asking for prayer. For my sister especially, and then for my family as a whole. I pray that somewhere down the line, there is joy (“Joy to the world,” right?), and somehow we will find it again.

H