Happiness >= Money?

I want to start out by saying that I am NOT trying to toot my own horn in this post, rather; I just need to get this off my chest.

It feels like I always take jobs in which no one knows what to do with me. I can’t tell if I am under-applying for positions or misunderstanding the job during the interview or maybe I’m just desperate, but I still don’t feel like I have found a “good” job. I realize that I’m only 25 and have been out of college for roughly four years, but why do I always end up in positions that come up lacking? Am I too much of an idealist? Am I not picky enough? Or am I just trying to make myself fit in with the “business culture” of which I really have no interest in joining?

Is it okay to just take a job you enjoy and not worry about money or title? I have always thought so, but now for some reason, I am starting to doubt this. Is happiness all that matters? Do I sound crazy for even asking that? Because here’s the thing: I am very happy in my current job. I love my schedule, my coworkers, and even the actual job duties. I just don’t love the pay and title. Honestly, friends, I have backtracked to my post-college days in those two areas, and it hasn’t bothered me too much until now.

For how long do you value experience over things like money and status? Is there a right answer? And why am I suddenly questioning my values?

Part of me thinks I will look back on this in 10 years and LMAO at the silliness of this question. I really hope I do.

H

Confessions

I'm going to be honest with you. My spiritual health has been severely lacking over the past couple years. I could make an unending list of excuses for reasons why that is, but I won't waste your time. The point is that I've been doing a crappy job of maintaining a relationship with God, and I am sick of it. Things have been bad for so long that I can't even really remember when I last felt filled with God's love or peace. At most, I would feel apathy and at worst, bitterness. And maybe those two should be switched around.

Anyway, I guess I'm writing this as a type of confession. It's so easy to hide spiritual issues, especially when you are surrounded by Christians at home, church, and work (but not work for much longer). It's also hard to talk about it when you can't really identify the main issue. It's not just a simple "I'm struggling with ___. Can you pray for me?" Honestly, I don't know the root of my issue. I don't think I am mad at God, struggling with some big secret sin, or doubting His existence. Maybe I'm just feeling stagnant?

One of my main motivations for wanting to change is the start of friendships with my new co-workers. After a two year gap, I am finally interacting again with people who weren't necessarily raised in the church. It is refreshing! It also brings new challenges of how to "come out" about my faith with them. Does that sound ridiculous? I know it shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! I am very out of practice. And unlike in high school, I now have a solid fear of pushing people away by telling them what I believe. You can go ahead and judge me for that, but I feel pretty strongly that it's a sensitive subject and I want to approach it the right way. I've learned that many people have had some terrible experiences in the church, and they automatically associate Christians with those experiences. I don't want to be another person who pushes them away from God.

I have talked with a couple co-workers about my faith in a general way, mentioning my church and that my husband went to school to be a pastor (thanks for that "in", Toby :] ), but I know more is to follow. Does anyone have examples of GOOD experiences talking about faith with co-workers? How do you avoid awkwardness? I do not want any Bibles ending up shoved down throats.

Maybe I just need to start with getting my own beliefs sorted out. I'm working on it.

Thanks for listening! I will keep you updated as things progress. Have an excellent week.

H

Adventures in Odyssey

Change. Future. Time. Adventure.

All of these things have been on my mind lately. In the past month, I have come very close to making some very serious and permanent life decisions.  However, I've also had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that prevented me from making these decisions. The feeling is this: I want an adventure.

This isn't necessarily a new feeling, as you may know from reading previous blog posts, but it is becoming more concrete. I'm 25, with no mortgage, no children, no major financial burdens...this is THE TIME. Okay, maybe "the time" was actually three years ago right after I graduated college and didn't have a job yet. But, I was (and am) hopelessly in love and needed to finally live near my boyfriend (now husband)! I wouldn't have been happy to move to another country and teach English by myself, nor would I be happy doing that now (because, duh, I have a husband). :P

So, I guess what I'm discovering now is that my definition of adventure has changed. It doesn't have to mean living in a mud hut with dreadlocks and learning fluent Spanish (although the dreadlocks might be fun for a short time...). I think an adventure may just mean moving to a new place and exploring a different part of the country. I don't think I'm ready for us to settle down permanently just yet. 

And no, I'm not saying that we are going to move tomorrow. It is just something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I really don't feel any rush to live in one place longterm (I can probably thank my parents for that one - I still haven't lived in any place for longer than four years). There are just so many options! So many WARM options! Who knows where we could end up?

Before you freak out, dear family and friends, be comforted by the fact that we will be here for at least the next two years as I'm in school. But after that, I cannot make any promises. *SANFRANCISCODENVERBOSTONMAUISEATTLE* You just never know.

-H

All The Deets

As you may have heard, there have been some recent developments in my life. I have a new job! This last month has been a whirlwind, and I'm still somewhat in shock of it all. Honestly, I wasn't seriously looking for a new job, and I applied to one position thinking I would never hear back about it. But, obviously I was wrong.

The position is part-time at Children's Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota. I'll be working on a three year research study looking at the attitudes and behaviors towards Children's Hospital of American Indian patients that utilize the Emergency Room. I'll be working with the IRB, surveying doctors and hospital staff, and interviewing the patients and their families. For those of you that know me well, you can probably tell why I took the job. I'm getting back to my research roots! :)

Since the position is part-time and because I wasn't planning on leaving my previous job, I asked to stay on at the Mission part-time as well. I'll be dropping some of my duties and taking on others, as I hope to start doing more program evaluation there. My plan is to work at Children's three days a week and at the Mission for the other two. Hopefully this will all work out, and it won't be too stressful balancing both jobs. I'm going to give it a six-month "trial" period, and then reevaluate my decision if things aren't going well. We shall see!

That's all I have for today. I just thought it would be easiest to update you all at once instead of maintaining 15 different Facebook conversations...

Thanks to all the people in my life that love and support me. I appreciate each of you so much! Have an excellent week.

Love,
H

PS: I am currently obsessed with this song. Don't judge.

Faint Not

I’m scared to write this down, because I don’t have it all worked out yet. I apologize in advance if this is hard to follow or seems scattered. My hope is that writing a blog will provide an outlet for all of my jumbled thoughts and help me figure out what’s going on in my head.

Let me try to start from the beginning…

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. I think I can contribute some of that to Seasonal Affective Disorder combined with Minnesota winter, as it is definitely that time of year again. However, the thoughts I’m having aren’t very consistent with past winters, and I am fairly convinced there is more going on than SAD-ness (oh, puns!).

As I mentioned before, work is very slow right now (but apparently not for anyone else in the office), and I don’t have a lot of extra-curricular activities going on – although I did start tutoring at the library one night a week. We are still looking for a new church, and we don’t have a lot of consistent Christian community. Oh, and I haven’t heard about grad school yet either. I say all of this just to make some excuses and offer possible causes for the feelings I will now reveal.

I feel like my life is purposeless. I feel like I am wasting these precious, carefree years of my mid 20’s planning for my future and acting too much like an adult. What is the rush? I don’t own a house, don’t have kids, and have very few responsibilities. Here’s what I’m thinking: I want to move to another country. Preferably in South or Central America. I want to take a break from offices, TV, happy hour, driving, makeup, winter, gossip, senseless worrying, shopping, Facebook, 401K, Netflix…

Some of you may be thinking, “Heather, didn’t you say this same thing 4 years ago?” Yes, I did. But at that time, I was looking for something else. I really just wanted experience living in South America so I could learn Spanish fluently. And sure, that would definitely be a bonus, but now I feel the need for so much more. This may sound cliché, but I want to serve God and his people wholeheartedly, and I think that means giving up some of the comforts I have now and living alongside people in need. I realize it’s possible to do that without even leaving my city, and that’s always a possibility, but I also feel like getting away from the familiar may be a necessary part of serving.

I also realize there is a whole other person in my life that needs to be on board before we pack up and move to Chile (Costa Rica? Mexico? Paraguay?), and there are jobs, school, finances, relationships, and many other factors that would need to be considered. For now, I think I could be content to plan a short-term trip, and that planning is already in the works. But, if I’m not going to move to South America, then what AM I going to do to satisfy this discontent?

H

PS: I LOVE the lyrics to this song by Jenny & Tyler.

Stress

Ah. There is so much going on right now in my life. I really want to blog about it, but I'm not sure how to word things appropriately. I'm afraid if I start, it will turn into one giant venting session, and I don't want to write something I will regret later.

Basically, work is really stressful and has been for the last couple months. I don't want to go into details, but I'm pretty much just waiting for it all to be over. It doesn't help that September through December is our busiest season, with fundraisers, Thanksgiving Basket distribution, Christmas events, and end of year giving. Everyone is overwhelmed so everyone is crabby. I really cannot wait for January (I know, I'm probably the only one).

On top of work stress, I had my midterm exam last night for my grad class. I completely overstudied for it, which I guess is a good thing. However, the test just could not have come at a worse week. I feel like I haven't had a carefree moment in weeks.

Luckily the exam is now over and I made it through the first week of Thanksgiving Basket signups. Only one more week of that and I will be able to relax at last (hopefully)! Then, I just need to start studying for the GRE, which I scheduled for December. Whew! It's so weird to be studying and taking tests again.

Anyway, I apologize for whining so much, I just felt the need to update my blog. Things really aren't all bad, and I am very thankful for my job and the ability to take this class. I'm hoping Thanksgiving will be a nice refreshing time to be around family and relax. It can't come soon enough!

Thanks for listening,
H

Here are some pictures from the registration this week.

Cambiar O No Cambiar

I am ready for a change.

I have been feeling it so strongly lately, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. The past few months have been full of change: Toby got a new job, we moved, and I started school again. Yet somehow I still feel the need for change. 

I'm pretty sure this feeling is actually caused by me returning to school...mostly because I really like it. I know two years ago I stated very adamantly that I would NEVER go to graduate school, which was preceded by at least a year of intense desire to go directly to a PhD program. Clearly, education is a passionate subject for me, and now I think I feel ready to be a full-time student (and part-time worker) again. I've been in contact with a couple professors in the department, and all I need to do now is pass the dinky little GRE test before I can apply (italics=sarcasm). Does anyone have some advice on how to study well for the GRE? Is there any way I can just blink my eyes 10 times and automatically pass with flying colors (by the way, where did that saying originate?)? Sigh.

There's something I've learned about myself since being an adult, that is, I really like to work by myself. I guess that was true in college too, but it wasn't such an issue because most of my work was supposed to be done independently. In my job, I work by myself for the most part, but then I have to wait for other people to make decisions. It's that silly thing called an organization. I know there are many great qualities about an organization that you don't have when working for yourself, but it can also be a pain. Toby correctly identified me as a "scientist," and I didn't really understand what he meant until recently. I don't particularly like laboratories, but if I could just sit in one all day wearing a lab coat and doing "science" (or evaluation in my case), I would be quite happy. I don't like waiting. I don't like inefficiencies. And it's irritating when everyone is on a different page. I'm always on MY same page. :) Don't get me wrong, I still really like my job and the organization. I just think someday I would really enjoy working for myself. 

I guess that's all for now. I'm off to do some homework and read an exciting article on Culturally Competent Evaluation. Good night!

H

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Happy Wednesday, friends. I'm so glad there are only two days left in this week. For starters, work has been CRAZY busy lately, and I am quite stressed out. I can literally feel the tension in my shoulders at all times. If I was the kind of person who got massages, this week would probably be the time to do it. Or maybe I should take a bath - you know, in that fancy sparkling bathtub provided by apartment complexes everywhere. Oh wait. :) Anyway, the stress is mostly due to the fact that I am currently learning some new skills at work so I can fill in for a co-worker who is going on vacation next week. My position is already split into two separate roles, and now I'm just throwing a third into the mix. Why not, eh? Sometimes my brain just really hurts.

On a more positive note, I'm really excited for this fall. I'll be taking my first graduate class starting in September - it's called Principles and Methods of Evaluation. You probably just dozed off reading that title, but I am super pumped. If you know me well, you know that I'm a true nerd at heart, and I especially love research and evaluation. So this is right up my alley! I'm hoping that this class will help me decide if I want to apply to be a full time grad student and pursue my MA in...get ready...Quantitative Methods in Education. Yeah! It's all part of my master plan to become awesome and start my own non-profit consulting business. Details to come. Of course, knowing God, He will most likely throw something totally wild my way to teach me to trust Him more, and I will end up pregnant with triplets at age 25. (Note: I am not pregnant.)

Well, that's all for tonight, folks. I know this wasn't the most interesting blog post, but I'm home alone, bored, and there's no Olympic gymnastics on tonight to entertain me. I will leave you with my current jam: Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men. The video is really weird, but the song is great. Enjoy.

H